This newspaper has reached new depths of journalism. This should also be labeled as breaking news.

Good thing we had forward thinkers in those times. Women would have been thrilled to know that they wouldn't get left behind and would have equal chances for the sacrifice.

I'm sure the deputy is thrilled to investigate each report from the vigilant citizens.

Be sure to take advantage of your innocence while being a kid and just grab all the breasts you can before it becomes socially unacceptable.

Good thing someone saved the chicken by the end. Their sacrifices were not in vain.

No matter what you've forgotten, nobody could top the guy that ran off, leaving his wife at the gas station.

The horse was mortified upon hearing the man's intentions.

And once we reached that point nothing happened. Guess those activists should set another milestone.

The goat is captured and in our custody. The public can rest assured we are handling this.

Bottom line: don't fart in bed with your wife and don't keep air fresheners near.